grievance and culture-shock

not until i wake up does my spirit enter back into my physical body and then ask that question "Where am I?". throughout the day its just a movement like a procession -following some cold statue as a dead deity we worship because it is the blood of our life- through the town and possibly into the ocean. like a blind mass sleepwalking forward, through, in-between, round-about. to get to the same place we began at. and then start over again. the 'culture-shock' i speak of is another way to label 'disorientation'. i've had it all through my life. as a child, i'd often wake up in the middle of the night on the bed sideways, and many mornings with a real sense of disorientation. like i had to rub my eyes hard and squint till it all came back to me- that i was in this country in this town this house this bed with this family, etc.

so now supposedly i am grieving a loss of some kind of a lifestyle or some-thing. one which i'd love to avoid and thought i could since i am not wanting it anymore- but must confront. but again, its just like culture-shock -- just reminding myself strongly that things are different now and i need to try and remain as coherent as possible so that i wake up in the right bed in the right apartment, etc.

this Face

i think i'm looking at my face. a flat picture of it. i see years of faces layered onto it like her face his face their faces. i don't think they care. i care. this isn't their face. not anymore. they have left it. its so alien to them now. it never was a face they recognized. they slipped away underneath it. ignorant to its surface, and its emotion. they left it there. then they talked about going away. away up high on a mountain somewhere. but that somewhere he'd always say was Venezuela. but he never did any of it. other than build a house on a high mountain and it caused all sorts of trouble. they found a bronze madonna relief in the soil where this house stands, because there used to be a church there. all the symbols he created in his head, he attempted to materialize. materialize, thats the problem. its all gone. all of the symbols. they matter to no one anymore. they brought no hope, nor did they bring happiness or even just a steady life. now the years have gone by Gone. meaning there are none anymore. so this face.. who's face is it anyway?