grievance and culture-shock

not until i wake up does my spirit enter back into my physical body and then ask that question "Where am I?". throughout the day its just a movement like a procession -following some cold statue as a dead deity we worship because it is the blood of our life- through the town and possibly into the ocean. like a blind mass sleepwalking forward, through, in-between, round-about. to get to the same place we began at. and then start over again. the 'culture-shock' i speak of is another way to label 'disorientation'. i've had it all through my life. as a child, i'd often wake up in the middle of the night on the bed sideways, and many mornings with a real sense of disorientation. like i had to rub my eyes hard and squint till it all came back to me- that i was in this country in this town this house this bed with this family, etc.

so now supposedly i am grieving a loss of some kind of a lifestyle or some-thing. one which i'd love to avoid and thought i could since i am not wanting it anymore- but must confront. but again, its just like culture-shock -- just reminding myself strongly that things are different now and i need to try and remain as coherent as possible so that i wake up in the right bed in the right apartment, etc.