The walnut tree and the emergency stash

now i'm thinking about all this stuff. money. then food. he would Never throw any of it away. where do we come from? how did it look? growing up> his story about eating the sugar and getting hit real bad for it cuz it was all they had. but all the stories i am missing. all the missing links. and all the severe arguments, and separations btwn siblings. this uncle that uncle that aunt, his second wife. his oldest brother Ciccio with his stupid pompous accent/ mixing sicilian with italian. because he wanted to appear bigger and with such a short temper. .. they don't speak anymore.. and i know he entered back into our lives over some kind of money thing. because they hadn't spoken since before i was born, or when i was a baby. oh yeah, when their parents died.. when i was 4/5. over money i'm sure, but who knows...

the walnut tree the chestnut tree. which is the mark-er. whose fence is it ("anyway?"). who owns what, how does it get split. he told me the outcome was that the family gave them a bag of walnuts and so it was fair. or something. but they never tell me/told me anything true- and this was because i was the youngest in the family, and female. cheated of the truth. and of my own money. among other things...

stories:
riding cart and donkey overnight to the big city with produce grown. coming here and working in mines. going back and having more kids. bringing all of them here to work cuz the donkey ride to the big city overnight wasnt enough.

(not my family but same country, same concept)
these are usually painted very colorfully, but b&w photo here..

making a living. making a family. coming here. arranged marriages. my mother having to marry my father cuz he's from "a good family"- better off than their own. ... so why then did they have $50 when they came back after their trip to sicily for their honeymoon that got spent on the taxi home? and why did he then have to work 3 jobs and overnight and fall asleep in the car on rt.1 driving to work and almost get killed many times? why did he fix the house up himself? -growing up sometimes i'd notice the windows were a bit crooked and things were a little off.
but my biggest questions of all: and ones i can't even word since they feel so charged: and in a way, i think i could answer them in my own head.........
but my reaction is - that being raised with such notions, even if they Were trying their best to have food for us and get us through school or whatever, i still managed to develop my own personal understanding of money and identity and facades and appearances and fakeness and truth.


so also what hit me was about how money links with food in my own brain. how the legacy carries over, and my belly fills, beyond its own capacity. if its there, i must consume it. if not, i will not have it again, and i will die. of starvation and un-fulfillment. then what triggers in the brain, around a lack of fulfillment and the need to consume, food, because it quickly sends signals and the acts of tasting-swallowing-etc- all the symbols of a primal sensory experience.

*and in this culture, food really is a symbol of wealth and prosperity and hospitality and community and love, etc.

needs, the survival instinct, taurus, 2nd house, belongings, comforts, even luxuries.... and again , the symbolism- because luxuries are like filling our bellies beyond and towards a sense of extra- incase we need it- on reserve- our emergency stash.
(this is why my south node is in taurus in the 4th house)